Looking Back, Looking Ahead...

As the curtain closes on 2015, I cannot help but be amazed and abundantly grateful at the blessings that have come my way over the past 364 days. Of course my running and racing took me to some new and exciting places, introduced me to some amazing people, and helped me weather my early 40's with (I hope) some measure of grace and good health. But more importantly, I enjoyed the blessings of a family that brought joy into my life in ways that cannot be easily measured or put into words. I was surrounded by friends who both kept me grounded and inspired me to become a better person. So while the minutes, days and weeks of 2015 seemed to go by in a flash, the imprint that this past year has left in my heart will not soon evaporate.

Boston Marathon 2015

Cactus Rose 100 2015

RPR 60k 2015

More importantly than the experiences I had in 2015, I think I may have inched closer to a more authentic understanding of "who I am". That may sound a little odd at first reading, but as some of my earlier posts have alluded to, I've become convinced that life is more about "becoming" than simply "doing". We evolve, learn from our mistakes, and seek to grow in peace and understanding. We forgive, we change.....life is in a constant state of evolution which is hopefully bringing us closer to a fuller expression of our authentic selves. I have tried to forgive myself, accept my many shortcomings, and in turn allow myself to love and be loved as the flawed man that I am. I look forward to a new year of continuing this slow and sometimes difficult inward journey. 

Getting back to the subject of "doing", I believe that the business and "busy-ness" of our daily lives can make us act like drones - robots who mindlessly move from one task to the next seemingly on autopilot. The days fly by because we fill them with responsibilities, errands, and "to-do" lists that keep us busy. Make no mistake, I do a lot of things mindlessly! But I feel that at I am least beginning to develop a conscious recognition of when I am in such a place. From there, I can seek to become more invested and engaged in how I spend my time rather than simply going through the motions. 

I am reminded of a story by one of my favorite authors, Thich Nhat Hanh:

Thirty years ago, when I was still a novice at Tu Hieu Pagoda, washing the dishes was hardly a pleasant task. During the Season of Retreat when all the monks returned to the monastery, two novices had to do all the cooking and wash the dishes for sometimes well over one hundred monks.

There was no soap. We had only ashes, rice husks, and coconut husks, and that was all. Cleaning such a high stack of bowls was a chore, especially during the winter when the water was freezing cold. Then you had to heat up a big pot of water before you could do any scrubbing….

While washing the dishes one should only be washing the dishes, which means that while washing the dishes one should be completely aware of the fact that one is washing the dishes.

 At first glance, that might seem a little silly: why put so much stress on a simple thing? But that’s precisely the point. The fact that I am standing there and washing these bowls is a wondrous reality. I’m being completely myself, following my breath, conscious of my presence and conscious of my thoughts and actions. There’s no way I can be tossed around mindlessly like a bottle slapped here and there on the waves.

If while washing the dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not “washing the dishes to wash the dishes.” What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes.

In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future – and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.

As 2016 dawns and a clean slate is presented before me, this is my true "resolution" - to try to slow the seemingly breakneck pace of life, taking a more pronounced appreciation of each and every moment. I want to savor the experiences that bring color and joy to my life. Can I find joy in my morning cup of coffee? Enjoy the serenity of a long run? See the twinkle of joy in my wife's eyes? Savor the sound of my children's laughter? Gaze in awe at a sky full of predawn stars? Taste the layers of flavor in a glass of wine? And yes, even appreciate washing the dishes? 

So the question that I pose to myself this year is not what do I want to do in 2016, but who do I want to become? There are certainly new things I'd like to do - but can I approach them from a new point of view, one which sees beyond just what is on the surface? The world we live in does not appreciate depth of experience. It encourages - even celebrates - moving quickly from one activity to the next. It is a world that divides our attention and rewards those who can "multitask" : not only moving from objective A to B to C, but actually performing all tasks simultaneously. It takes little or no joy in the journey, only in getting to the destination as quickly as possible. I've certainly fallen into this rut myself many times. But I can at least recognize my desire to change and take advantage of my ability to do so. 

I look forward to more closely exploring these concepts in posts over the next year. It will be fun to relate them back to my running as well. Because make no mistake, there will be running (and posts about it) in 2016! So thanks to 2015 for a great year. Thanks to the wonderful people who made it so. I have much for which to be grateful. 

2016 has some big shoes to fill. Time to get to it!